


SueVivor: Lord of the Rings

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Humor, Other - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 22:35:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3746156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten Mary Sues...nine challenges...one winner. Who will be the Ultimate Lord of the Rings Mary Sue?</p>
            </blockquote>





	SueVivor: Lord of the Rings

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

**SueVivor: Lord of the Rings**

**Summary: Ten Mary Sues, nine challenges, who will be the Ultimate LOTR Mary Sue?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR or the idea of SueVivor. I do own the Mary Sues and Kaylie, who is an OC of mine.**

**Contestants:**

**Xantha, the Warrior!Feminist!Sue**

**Lynda, the Dropped-into-ME!Sue**

**Vanesse, the Elrond's-Daughter!Sue**

**Laivine, the Self-Insert!Sue (Laivine is my name translated into Quenya, if you're wondering)**

**Faekatherinastarlightandromeda, the All-Around!Sue**

**Kate, the Anti!Sue**

**Eliora, the Sister!Sue**

**Edalariel, the Tragic!Sue**

**Jasmyna, the HP-Crossover!Sue**

**Elvira, the Sauron's-Daughter!Sue**

**Chapter 1**

Ten females stood outside the House of Elrond. They were all very beautiful, with "long flowing hair", "heart-stopping smiles", and a "perfect complexion". They were also "thin enough to be anorexic" and "dressed in a way that suited them perfectly". Well, except one of them (Kate), but there was still something Sue-ish about her.

"Oh, look!" said Eliora, "We're in Rivvendal!" Eliora had wheat-colored hair and dark gray eyes.

"Of course we're not!" said Vanesse, "It's Rivindil." Vanesse had flashing emerald eyes, raven hair, pointed ears, and "beauty to rival that of Luthien Tinuviel".

"Actually," said Lynda, "It's, like, Riverdael." She had platinum-blonde hair, amber eyes, and a charming smile.

"It's _Rivendel_! Duh!" said Kate. Kate had limp dirty-blonde hair that was only shoulder length. She was kind of overweight and had a small chest. Her eyes were just plain brown. Kate considered herself to be above the other Sues because she was less recognizable as one.

Then, the four Sues began arguing about how Rivendell was spelled, and no, not one of them guessed Rivendell.

In the meantime, Xantha was practicing her swordplay, Edalariel was crying, and Faekatherinastarlightandromeda was singing "May It Be", Elvira and Jasmyna were talking and giggling about how hot Legolas was, and Laivine was arguing that "Bori" was hotter.

Suddenly, in a dramatic flash of light, the host appeared. At the sight of her, the Mary Sues all sighed disappointedly.

"Hello, everyone," said Kaylie, "This is SueVivor, and I'm Kaylie, your host!"

"Noooo!" yelled Jasmyna, "Why couldn't our host be a hot guy, like Legolas?" Jasmyna's

hair was so brown it was almost black, long, and wavy, and she had big blue eyes.

Kaylie dropped her smile and glared at her. Then she continued, "As you know, the winner of SueVivor will be the ultimate Lord of the Rings Mary Sue. She will be known forever as the worst Mary Sue to ever sleep with a canon male in Middle Earth!"

"I am so going to win this!" said Lynda.

"Lynda," said Kaylie, "Your type of Sue has won most of the SueVivors so far. Do you think you can continue that tradition?"

"Like, totally!" said Lynda with a flip of her hair.

"Faekatherinastarlightandromeda, the last time an All-around!Sue was on here, she got kicked off for Imperiousing the contestants. Knowing this, do you think you'll win?"

"Oh, why, _**of course**_ I can," said Faekatherinastarlightandromeda, emphasizing as much as possible, "After all, just because some member of a species did something, that doesn't mean they all do that, does it? If it were, the whole human race would not have survived. I intend to win this and disprove the stereotype against All-Around!Sues!"

"That's nice," said Kaylie, "Kate, there's never been an Anti!Sue on here before. Do you think you can win?"

"Sure!" said Kate, giving Faekatherinastarlightandromeda a look that said, "And that is called being brief."

Suddenly the doors to Elrond's house opened and Kaylie led the Sues inside.

"Ooh!" said Elvira, "Maybe we'll see Elrond!" Elvira had midnight hair, icy cerulean eyes, and

very pale skin.

"You do know Elrond's old enough to be your great- great- great- great- great- great- great-grandfather, Elvira, don't you?" Kate said.

"Oh, and who do you like?" Jasmyna asked, "None of the hot guys here are young, you know." Jasmyna and Elvira had gotten to know each other very well during their giggly-fangirl discussion on "Leggie", and they had become good friends.

"Aragon," said Kate, "He's thirty-five."

"Fifty, actually," said Xantha. She had fiery red hair and violet eyes.

"Ninety," said a voice. It was Elrond, who had come to see who the ten strange females were. "If I may ask, what are you all doing in the Last Homely house?"

"Hi Daddy," said both Faekatherinastarlightandromeda and Vanesse, and ran up to hug the elf. Faekatherinastarlightandromeda had hair like spun gold. Her eyes were mauve now, but changed depending on her mood.

"They're Mary Sues," Kaylie told Elrond, "They're on a show called SueVivor. You'll get used to them."

Elrond fainted at the sound of the words Mary Sue.

"Come on, Sues!" called Kaylie, "We haven't got all day!"

Next, the Mary Sues were shown their rooms in the wing of the House of Elrond just for Sues. They each had a private room, containing a soft pink bed, a mahogany bedstead, their own bathroom, and a very big room just for putting on makeup. There was also a living room.

"Wow," said Jasmyna, going into the living room after several minutes of bouncing on her bed, "This is great."

"I know, isn't it?" Laivine remembered her make-up room, "Can you believe all this mascara? It's—!"

At that moment, Eliora emerged in the living room. "Can you believe all this mascara?! It's degrading! Doesn't whoever sets up those rooms know that Mary Sues don't _need_ mascara?"

Meanwhile, Kate was not happy. "Why do I get the same type of room as the rest of them? I am not a Mary Sue! I'm not!"

"Oh, calm down," said Vanesse, "I've lived in this room all my life, and I like it."

"I don't like this room," Edalariel said to no one in particular, "It reminds me of my tragic life where my father beat and raped me because he blamed me for my mother's death for no reason."

"This room is all right," said Faekatherinastarlightandromeda (I think I'll just call her Fae from now on), "but I am not a serving woman."

"What does this room have to do with being a serving woman?" Elvira asked.

Fae continued as if she had never been interrupted, "I can ride and wield blade, and I fear neither pain nor death. What I fear is a cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them, and all chance of valor or great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."

She stopped, "Well?"

"That sounds kind of familiar to me for some reason," said Lynda, "I just can't remember where I heard it before."

Realizing no one was going to applaud, Fae's eyes turned green and she stormed off. Then…

"She does have a point, plagiarized or not," Xantha said, "Honestly, look at these rooms. All pink, and not a sword in sight! What do they expect us to be, fluffy pink bunnies? I don't need a room like that, and I don't need a man. I am very well off on my own, thank you very much! I—!"

Realizing Xantha was going to start a feminist lecture, the Mary Sues decided that this would be a good time to go back to their rooms.

An hour and a half later, Kaylie showed up.

"Hello, Mary Sues. How do you like your rooms?"

"I LOVE them!" said some Sues. "I HATE them!" said the rest.

"Are we going to start the challenge now?" asked Eliora impatiently.

"Oh, right," said Kaylie. She then led the Mary Sues to a new room.

"All right, Mary Sues. Now you will take your first challenge. You will be asked a question, and you will answer it as Suishly as you can. And since it takes a Sue to know one, Lily will be asking you the questions."

Lily, a Hobbit!Sue, walked up to her seat. She was three feet tall, with curly cinnamon-brown hair on her head (but, strangely, barely any on her feet) and warm eyes to match her hair.

"Is this going to take long? I've got to get back to my Froddywoddykinspoo."

"Aren't you married to 'Hunnybunnypippy'?" Kaylie asked.

"We-ell…umm…I'm…uh…kinda having an affair with Froddy."

"What about 'Merry-Nunkin'?"

"I'm having an affair with him too."

"What do you call Sam?" asked Kaylie.

"Sam? Who's Sam? I never heard of any Sam," Lily said, "Now, let's start. Xantha?"

"Yes?"

"How are you not Eowyn?"

"That's easy! I'm much better than she is. I'm more beautiful, and I fight better. Plus, Eomer

falls in love with me. He wouldn't fall in love with his own sister, would he?"

"Lynda, in Middle Earth, they don't speak the same language you do in your world. How do you still manage to speak to everyone?"

"Since I've read all of the books a thousand times, I'm already fluent in both Sindarin and Westron," said Lynda, "In fact, I'm so speshuhl it only took me a week to learn it!"

"Vanesse, your father Elrond has arranged a marriage for you with Legolas. What do you do?"

"Well, I get righteously angry at my father, righteously refuse to talk to him, and righteously angst about my arranged marriage to practically everyone. Then, when I meet Legolas, I fall in love with him. Oh, and I join the fellowship."

"Laivine, what would a day in your life be like?"

"I fall into Middle Earth, make out with Boromir, join the fellowship, make out with Boromir, make out with Boromir some more, kill a lot of Orcs, die to save Boromir, and come back from the dead more beautiful than ever. Oh, and I make out with Boromir. Did I mention that?"

"Fae—."

"My name is Faekatherinastarlightandromeda!"

"Too bad. I want to call you Fae. What are some of your speshuhl powers?"

"Immunity to the One Ring, the ability to turn into an angel, the power to shoot fire from my fingertips, the strange way I can kill over fifty Orcs in less than a minute, immortality, my ability to make any male character fall in love with me, my gift of coming back from the dead, my—!"

"All right, all right, I only said SOME," said Lily, glaring jealously at the other Mary Sue,

"Kate, are you a Mary Sue or not?"

"Of course not!" said Kate, "I'm much better. I'm still a tenth walker and everyone's still OOC around me, but I have flaws, making me more bearable!"

"Eliora, which canon's sister is it best to be?"

"Aragorn's, definitely! I get to learn to fight, it gives me an excuse to fight better than Aragorn, and I meet many of Aragorn's hot friends, like Legolas. Being Legolas's sister is pretty good too, since I get to be an elf princess, but then if I'm his sister it can't be a Legomance."

"Edalariel, Aragorn asks you about your past, but you don't want to talk about it. What do you do?"

"I stiffen, look away for a moment, give Aragorn a dark hint, and walk ahead of him before he can ask me anything else."

"Jasmyna, how did you get to Middle Earth?"

"Hermione and I are exploring Hogwarts, and we find a portal to Middle Earth. When we get there, it turns out that both of us are descended from LOTR characters, we have prophecies about us, and we have to join the Fellowship."

"Elvira, Sauron wants you to spy on the Fellowship. What will your next move be?"

"Even though I don't want to, I fall in love with Legolas, but I refuse to admit, because I'm to ebul!!!!!!!!!!11111111eleven! to love him."

Lily looked at the notepad that she had been writing on. "All right. Xantha, Lynda, good answers. Vanesse, good, but you forgot to mention how you and Legolas hate each other at first. Laivine, you're obviously one of the most obsessed fangirls to ever fall into Middle Earth, which is good. Fae, you have way too many powers, but then, you're a Sue. Kate, that's a good excuse. Too bad no one believes it."

"Why not? It's true. I—!"

"Ahem. As I was saying, Eliora, good answer, but you used too much logic. Logic is bad.

Edalariel, also very good answer. Jasmyna, mostly good, but you forgot to mention Hermione's lack of a personality. Elvira, your answer is just too true, and I love your exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111"

Before Elvira had had a chance to complain that the hobbit had beaten her in terms of excessive punctuation, Lily continued, "All right, today's immunity winner is…."

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

"Laivine."

Laivine giggled, "Yay me!"

"Laivine," said Kaylie, "Will now not be able to be voted out, and she will cast the first vote."

"Yay!" said Laivine again. Then she voted against Eliora. The other Sues all voted in the order that they had answered the questions.

"O-kay," said the host, reading the votes, "Eliora. Lynda. Eliora. Fae. Vanesse. Fae. Elvira. Fae. Eliora. Eliora."

"NOOOOOOO!" yelled Eliora dramatically.

"Sorry, Eliora, but you're getting voted off SueVivor."

Cricket. Then…

"WHAT? JUST BECAUSE I THOUGHT LOGICALLY ONCE?"

"Yes," said Kaylie, giving Eliora a weird look.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR! I'LL GET ANYONE WHOSE SISTER I EVER PLAYED IN FANFICTION TO KILL YOU, I SWEAR! I HATE YOU ALL! I—!"

She was then dragged off by the two Uruk-Hai security guards, still screaming, "LILY, YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!"

"And that," said Kaylie, "Is the end of our first week on SueVivor. See you all later!"

Edalariel's Diary Cam:

"That Fae! She ruined a perfectly good angst session! But don't you worry, I'll make her pay! Muahahahahahahaha!"

Fae's Diary Cam:

"I can't believe I almost got voted out! It's not fair! Well, I'll show them! I'll win this thing, I will!" She then stuck out her lower lip and pouted like a two year old.

Kate's Diary Cam:

"I'm not a Mary Sue!"


End file.
